Mr T and the Fanon Cannon
by Smileyfax
Summary: Mr. T encounters  and punches  practically every Daria fanon character and convention in this gripping conclusion to the Mr. T Trilogy.


Daria opened to the first page of the script, which had suddenly changed titles from 'Untitled Mr. T/Daria Crossover Part Three' to 'Mr. T and the Fanon Cannon'. "This is what it says on the first page," she read. "'Daria opened to the first page of the script, which had suddenly changed titles from' -" She stopped expectantly.

"Damnit, don't read the script aloud! That way lies madness!" Mr. T roared. "Just say what happens next!"

"There's a knock at the door." There was a knock at the door.

Mr. T, not wanting to waste any time, kicked the door down. But there was nobody there!

The knocking came again. "It's coming from upstairs!" Daria shouted, reading from the script.

Mr. T took Daria's arm in one meaty fist and, using the other, punched his way to the attic. He saw but one door, and kicked it down.

Daria fainted, as she saw at least half a dozen Darias standing expectantly behind the door. Those six Darias, in turn, fainted when they beheld the might of Mr. T for the first time.

"WAKE THE HELL UP!" Mr. T shouted furiously. Everybody woke the hell up.

"You're the legendary Mr. T!" said Ringbearer Daria.

"It's an honor to meet you!" said Legionnaire Daria.

"You've got to help save us from a terrible fate!" said Man Daria.

"Evil Daria is trying to kill everybody!" moaned Zombie Daria.

"And ruin our popularity!" said Popular Daria.

"So help us kick her ass!" said Apocalyptic Daria.

Mr. T considered the six-pack's request. On the one hand, seven Darias was just about the right amount of women for the T. On the other hand, an eighth Daria might be too much to handle. On the third hand, she was evil, and would probably explode at the mere sight of T's might. On the fourth hand, there was no such thing as too many women for Mr. T. "I'll smack that bitch so hard, all of you will die," he said matter-of-factly.

"Hooray!" the six-pack cheered, and led him from the interdimensional portal in Daria's attic to the interdimensional portal behind the Good Times Chinese Restaurant. Mr. T, not understanding, made several Mr. T-shaped holes in the rear wall of the restaurant before finally walking through the portal.

On the other side of the portal, Mr. T and the seven Darias were confronted by Kyle Armalin, super-badass Army Colonel and all-around superhero. "Mr. T! What is the meaning of this?" he demanded.

"I'm here to kick ass and kick some more ass, you ass," T retorted.

"I don't like you, Mr. T! We never had troublemakers like you in the Navy!"

"I challenge you to a duel," Mr. T said coldy.

"I accept," Armalin retorted, even coldlier.

The two skipped all that bowing crap and just started whaling on each other. Great earthquakes devestated the world they were on, killing millions; since none of them were main characters, though, nobody cared.

Armalin decided to use a few tricks he had learned during his time in the Marines. He tickled Mr. T in his armpits. Mr. T burst out laughing like a little girl, tears streaming down his face. "Cut it out, cut it out!" Mr. T begged, but Armalin wouldn't relent. "I give, I give!" Everybody stared in shock. Had Mr. T just surrendered?

When Armalin relented, Mr. T socked him in the gut so hard, he flew straight up and out of the universe. Mr. T let flip both birds at the distant form of Kyle Armalin.

Daria Prime approached Mr. T trepidatiously. "Will he be back?" she asked.

Mr. T nodded. "He learned how to fly in the Air Force, after all, so he'll come down sooner or later."

Mr. T and his merry band of Daria clones hopped into the nearby Architect gate, whereupon they were introduced to Odell Jones. The minister was presently patting a cute kitten on its head.

"Odell Jones!" Apocalyptic Daria cried out in fear. "You're the crazy pedophile who wants to kill me!" She raised her AK-47 in fear.

Odell Jones just smiled. "Don't be silly, dear. I'm just a kindly old priest, who loves petting kittens. I've never considered rape in my life."

In the distance, air raid sirens began going off as nuclear missiles streaked their way overhead. Light strobed the area, and mushroom clouds rose up in the distance.

Odell Jones sighed. "Oh dear, a nuclear war. Welp, guess that means only one thing." He proceeded to pick the kitten up and drop-kick it. Mr. T was fast, though, and caught the kitten before it actually reached the 'kick' part of drop-kick. T instead ripped off Odell Jones' balls and put them into the same spot in mid-air where he had removed the kitten from. Odell Jones was in for a shock indeed when he realized he had drop-kicked his own balls.

"Oh dear, I seem to have drop-kicked my own balls! How will I rape Daria now?" he wondered aloud, before dying from the shock of having his balls ripped off.

"Let's keep moving!" Mr. T shouted, as he punched his way closer to his goal. As the others followed him, the kitten - Bump - spied Roger the Mouse spying from a nearby tree, and ate him. Then, Evil Daria showed up and turned Bump into a platypus, the cruelest act she could think of. She sped off, cackling.

Meanwhile, T and his Daria companions fought their way through much of the Ringbearer and Legionnaire pantheon. They roughed up a few agents of DELPHI, The Agency, and whatever other wacky extradimensional organizations happen to be rattling their way through the multiverse. Mr. T could certainly tell you about all the people they fought, because Mr. T didn't just skim a few pages on the Daria Wiki and get bored like a sucker, no sir.

Anyway, after an epic battle, the gang finally ran into Kyle Armalin again. "It's me, Kyle Armalin, from the Salvation Army!" he said, waving a bell madly in his Santa Claus outfit.

"This is just silly," Mr. T declared, as he yanked off the outfit's beard, ruining Christmas for dozens of kids lined up to meet him.

As Mr. T drew back for one mighty punch, Armalin looked into his eye and said, "Mr. T, I'm your brother."

"Prove it, fool," Mr. T demanded.

Kyle Armalin removed his dogcatcher hat, revealing...a great big mohawk.

"Brother!" Mr. T shouted in exuberance, embracing Kyle Armalin like a brother. No, no...AS a brother.

The two shook hands and made up, and prepared to face Evil Daria.

They encountered her in her vicious dark bad lair of no-good. Her face was cloaked by a red cloak which was all alive and stuff. "Time's up, Judith!" Kyle and Mr. T shouted in tandem.

"Who's Judith?" she asked, pulling her hood back, revealing none other than Lynn Cullen. "It is I, Lynn Cullen, AKA Nega-Daria!" She cackled evilly. "I shall destroy the entire multiverse, so that I get to be the only Daria look-alike anywhere!" She cackled evilly again.

"Look!" Kyle Armalin shouted, pointing at the sun. "She's caused a coronal mass ejection! If that hits Veronica Morgendorffer, it will destroy all the alternate universes!"

"There's only one chance!" Legionnaire Daria shouted. "Van Maanen's star is close enough, and almost big enough, that if we trigger a supernova, it'll counteract the CME, and destroy Lynn Cullen's evil regime!"

"It's so crazy, it just might work!" moaned Zombie Daria. "But how will we make it go supernova?"

"We just need to bump it up to a solar mass of 1.5 or so. What do we know with that much mass?"

Mr. T sighed sadly. "My chains." Sadly, he surrendered one of the brave gold chains which hung around his neck, and using the Fanon Cannon, fired it into Van Maanen's star.

"NOOOOOOO!" Lynn Cullen shouted out in terror. But it was too late - Van Maanen's Supernova collided with the Coronal Mass Ejection, cancelling each other out and preventing the death of the multiverse. Oh, and Lynn Cullen then died of a broken heart. (After Mr. T punched it to pieces).

Afterwards, everybody shook hands and agreed to never talk about what had happened ever again, since it was too silly. (But they all agreed it was definitely cannon...er, canon. Or at least, fanon). The six-pack of Darias lived happily ever after with Michael Fulton, one of the Robert Nelsons, one of the Martin Peters, two Jane Lanes, and a John Lane.

Daria Prime, however, remained a virgin for the rest of her life, certain that she would be reunited with her love Mr. T in Heaven. She was certain of this because Mr. T was literally God.

THE END OF THE MR. T TRILOGY, FOOLS.

XXXXXXXXXX

My apologies to, well, everybody. I tried to lampoon all the fanon characters and conventions I could think of, but my knowledge was lacking in a few areas. (See if you can spot the subtle hint!). The only big thing I can think of having left out would be LATIFA, and that's because I couldn't think of a way to work it in that unnecessarily padded out the pacing. (Or something like that). 


End file.
